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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
same energy
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.