She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy