My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
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courtroom exchange of the day
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!