Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
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Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.