[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I’m not proud
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward