Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Challenge accepted.
My purse is deeper than some people.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
me logging onto twitter
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”