me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
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M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Comparing yourself to others
I hope they boil the right one.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
omg leave her alone
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…