Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash