My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
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Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
#Thanos #MondayMood
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.