Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
You Might Also Like
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Oh the world we live in…
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
who wore it better?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.