7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.