Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”