Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I already tried new things thanks.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.