[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.