You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
This pepper has seen some shit
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail