the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Why am I like this?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Rather alarming headline…