I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
This fish is cracking me up
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.