Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.