I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*