In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
bad news gang
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon