Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”