If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
You Might Also Like
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.