One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
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me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Good morning, Twitter x
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?