All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My time has come.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.