I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.