My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
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SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
No, YOUR illiterate.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus