Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
You Might Also Like
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
lost dog
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*