Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS