my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
You Might Also Like
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀