i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.