Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.