Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
my retirement plan is braless
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8