I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
You Might Also Like
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic