Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
You Might Also Like
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Thoughts
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
*puts cutlery down*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
🍞🦆
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?