Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I love art.
2 years later
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d