Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.