‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
You Might Also Like
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.