dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Covid like
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
United Steaks of America
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???