“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
What?!?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD