That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
You Might Also Like
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played