2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Sing it!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.