You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Love this one 😂🧟
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car