*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
This makes total sense…
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
this is 10/10 content no notes
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.