Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.