coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Labreador
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food