STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
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(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.