I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
You Might Also Like
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter