Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
You Might Also Like
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it