The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen