They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990